Frustrating Week

I’m having one of those weeks where you just want to pull the covers over your head and ask the Lord to start over. Yesterday I spend hours on the phone trying to locate Richards and my infertility documents that show our test results for my surgeries, exams, and his sperm analysis and urology diagnosis. I was repeatedly told that our records are too old and was destroyed. I guess when you struggle with infertility early in your marriage and then go the road of adoption, only to return again to the hope of a pregnancy, this is to be expected. Apparently, when you are not a patient for over 10 years, your records are destroyed. We’ve been at this waiting business to have a baby for 21 years…So now I guess, it’s a clean slate and we have to re-do all of the test and have no proof of the past. I’m beating myself up for not keeping a file of these documents and being more organized.


Then, for the adoption grant we are applying for, I need a letter from my doctor that states I can have a baby (our infertility is because of my husband’s 0 sperm). I received a phone call from my doctor; she will only write the letter if I pay to have another costly and painful biopsy and sonogram. I have been cleared from these biopsies already and have been told that they are unnecessary by other doctors because the last several sonograms and biopsies have looked so good. I do have the sonograms every six months and the last one looked great…So why should I have to pay for an additional one, and the pain of the biopsy, just to have a letter written?



What if applying for this grant is for nothing, and what if we never hear from a couple regarding embryos. The few we have heard from have not seemed hopeful for any length of time. I just hate the idea of putting myself through this painful experience and paying all of the new doctor visits and costly test and exams without any real assurance that we are even going to get to do an embryo adoption soon. If not, and it’s still going to be more waiting that the Lord has for us, then all of these tests would have to be done again to satisfy everyone with current results. I just wish I had something solid to plant my hope and desires upon that would make this all worth it.



So today, I’m praying for the Lord to show me His will. I have to remind myself that the Lord sometimes shuts a door so that I will turn and follow His will in another direction. I’m also praying that the slim possibility of our infertility clinic used 20 years ago might have some of the lost documents. I called them last week and signed to have my records sent to me. I have not heard anything so am hopeful that they indeed do still have records to send.

Jesus, please show me Your will and straighten my heart if I am to have this biopsy. Please bring us our embryo/’s and finish this journey of waiting and hoping to see the fulfillment of the promises You’ve spoken to our hearts. We love You Lord Jesus and if it’s Your will that we continue to wait and go through these difficulties….Please help us to endure them and not despair…Mold us into useful tools and use our lives, marriage, journey of infertility, adoptions and waiting, all for Your glory.

                                               Amen

God is Good!

Here is a picture of Levi and I at the doctor's office today.



On the way to the doctor's this morning, I was praying for the Lord to give me wisdom and the right words to talk with my doctor about our continued desire for an embryo adoption. Don't know why I was so nervous, but I was.
Then....As the door opened,
I was surprised to see one of my best friends in high school was my student nurse. The moment she hugged me, everything came spilling out... Along with a bunch of tears. LOL

I was able to open up and really talk about everything and how important it is for me to be in the best possible shape diabetically and have a current uterine scan on file. She was great and ordered a full blood work-up and scheduled the next uterine scan and follow up appointment, to document the progress. She was so supportive and encouraging. The Lord could not have answered my prayers more preciously than to send me "Trish" today.

God, You are sooooo incredibly good! Thank you for walking me through this appointment! It was awesome to feel You there with me.

Shame on Him!

So what do you do with a husband that stands on the back of your scale, and makes you think (just for a moment) that you put on 12 lbs over night? LOL

I stood there and thought... I only had a tiny handful of popcorn. How'd that happen?

He's so BAD!!!

What's New With Me

The other day a friend of mine asked why I haven't been blogging since Christmas?

So...

I figure it's time for an update on what's going on with me. I've been super busy since Christmas reading my book requirements for my doula certification. I plan on having it all finished, writing my paper, and turning it all in next month.

Yay!

I'm also very excited that next, in late Feb. or early March, one of my Cafemom friends is birthing a few hours from me and has asked for me to be her doula.

Can't wait to not only meet in person, but... to get to serve as her doula,

is just over the top exciting!

Along with focusing on my doula things, I've been working on getting my body in shape and getting my diabetes under control. I know that if I'm to do an embryo adoption one day, I need my body to be ready. I also have to be able to show my Dr. and Sheila, my midwife, that I'm serious about carrying a pregnancy and can pull it off safely.

So...

Each morning I'm faithfully exercising 20-30 minutes and soon will advance that to either longer in the mornings or splitting it and doing another 20-30 minutes in the evening.

I also took one of our spare rooms and turned it into my own personal study/fitness room. I wanted to create a no fail environment for reading (I get distracted easily) and logging my blood sugars, meal prep, exercise, and weight loss, so I stocked this room with nothing but things to help keep me on track and the kids have to stay out!! LOL

Here is my messy, chicken -scratch logging of everything. I track my blood sugars three x's a day, my morning weight, exactly everything I've eaten, water I drank, exercise, and when I've taken my medications. If you look closely, you can see that Levi also has helped me do some journaling when I wasn't looking and hasn't understood the No Kids in the room concept. Hahaha... I think it's cute that he snuck in to leave me a sweet note in my journal. Maybe this was his way of encouraging me.

Thank you Levi :))

I've also added a new (kind of ugly) watch to my daily attire. This watch has three different alarm settings that helps me remember when to eat my snacks and mid day meal. I always forget to eat in the day time and then over eat at night when I'm starving. I can't tell you how much this has helped me. It's ugly but I love it!

Here is the foods I have stocked in my little frig. It's so easy to go in and just grab what I need and am not tempted to eat something else that's in the kitchen's refrig. It's great!

I'm also now drinking tons of water. I try and drink anywhere from 6-11 of these tall glasses each day.

I'm eating 2 snacks and 3 main meals a day. Most of my main meals are frozen Weight Watcher meals to help me get used to smaller portions and they are low in sugar and I can grab and eat them quickly. I figure after I build a good habit of eating these smaller meals I then can go back to cooking and having better control over my home cooking and portion size. I did pre-cook some burgers I like to call Fiesta Burgers. They are made from fresh ground turkey, veggies and lots of seasoning. I love them and can pull one from the freezer quickly and eat as a snack. I also try and eat a handful of lettuce or salad with each meal. I know... the salad in this pic. is kind of sad looking, but It was all I had before shopping. LOL

Here is another favorites of my snacks. I think of it as a diabetic friendly turkey hoggie sandwich. It's a few big leafs of lettuce, turkey, and mustard. It's crunchy and satisfies.

Here's some of my pre-frozen Fiesta Burgers. I took an afternoon with a friend and pre-cooked these little puppies up and froze them in tiny little individual servings.

And I don't care how good you are trying to be with your eating, you are going to have those days when you just want to eat something yummy. So... Here is my yummy snack. I found these diabetic friendly yogurts. They are 50 cal., zero sugar, and 3 carbs. I like to eat mine with a very small handful of frozen blueberries.

YUM!

Everything is going so good. I've gotten my blood sugar levels drastically down, my medications are finally being taken as they should and this week I've lost 9 lbs. My body is loving this and my mind is feeling like the fog of uncontrolled diabetes is lifting.

God is so good and I think that this is all in His perfect timing. Who knows....Maybe He has our embryo babies just right around the corner in my life and it won't be long before we finally get to meet them.

Be Still My Waiting Heart

So...

this morning I’m finding myself struggling once again with the lows of embryo waiting. I’m sitting here waiting for my doctors office to return my call to schedule my next endometrial aspirate biopsy and pelvic sonogram. I also just happen to need a refill of the Provera I take daily to keep the chances of uterine cancer at bay.

I was supposed to schedule this in October but put it off until now.

(I know…shame on me!)

I dread going into these appointments and talking to my doctor because I know I will once again, have to plead my case to continue to wait and hope for someone to donate their embryos to me for an embryo adoption. It’s so hard for others (my doctor) to understand from what craziness my longing stems from and why I would choose to continue to wait and hope for something that seems so far from my reach.

Why don’t I just go to a clinic and use clinic embryos, have a baby and be done with this whole thing. Why risk the waiting and possibility of developing uterine cancer.

It’s so hard to find the words and explain my heart and the lessons I’ve learned in obedience of following …and YES, waiting upon the Lord and His timing and plan.

We’ve been at this for over 21 years now and I’ve learned that every time I move in any direction other than what the Lord opens for me, it ends in frustration, pain and heartbreak.

I’ve learned to simply wait.

We waited four years for Bailey, six years for Addi and there has been nine years of waiting between Addi and Levi. For our embryo desire we’ve been praying for almost 8 years and the last two have been combined with the added pressure of a ticking time bomb of a faulty uterus if we do not do something soon.

I’m feeling so weak these days. I’m crying all the time, emotional eating whenever possible and throwing myself into every kind of home improvement project I can think of.

All of these things seem to be occupying my mind but my heart is feeling the weight and heaviness that unless you’ve been in my shoes you could never truly understand.

So...

this morning, I’m finding myself comforted by the book of Psalms. I can relate to the heart of David and his pleas for the Lord to hear him.

…Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart; be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.

…The Lord hear thee in the day of trouble; the name of the God of Jacob defend thee; Send thee help for the sanctuary, and strengthen thee out of Zion; Remember all thy offerings, and accept thy burnt sacrifice…

Grant thee according to thine own heart, and fulfil all thy counsel. We (I) will rejoice in thy salvation, and in banners; the LORD fulfil all thy petitions. Now know I that the LORD saveth his anointed; he will hear him from his holy heaven with the saving strength of his right hand. Some trust in chariots, and some in horses; but we will remember the name of the LORD our God. They are brought down and fallen; But we are risen, and stand upright. Save, LORD: let the king hear us when we call.

…The king (I) shall joy in thy strength, O LORD; and in thy salvation how greatly shall he (I) rejoice! Thou has given him his heart’s desire, and has not witholden the request o f his lips.

(Psalm 19:14 thru 21:1)

(Psalms 23:1)

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

Lord Jesus,

Please help me today to find strength and courage in dealing with my doctor. Please give me the right words to say that she will continue to understand my heart. I truly only want the babies that You have for me and I am willing to wait until You open the door and bring them into my life. Help my longing heart to be satisfied in the waiting and find joy in the blessings You’ve already given. Thank you for my dear sweet son who surrounds my days, when hubby is working and the girls are at school, with funny antics that keep me laughing, although my heart is breaking. Hold my thoughts and keep my mind stayed upon You as You continue to hold me, and my desires of being a Mommy, securely within Your hand.

Here are some pictures of this last weeks family outings, remodel projects and spending time with friends ...Yes, more food fellowships because we love spending time with friends around our table.

Our family and Mayshell drove 2 1/2 hours to watch Bailey march in the Neewollah parade. We had to arrive 2 hours early to find a spot down front. The streets were packed for 3miles. We brought our blankets and spent time together waiting for it to start. Addison took this picture of us.

Addison

I had been up cooking for our harvest party until 3:00 am that morning and so Levi and I snuck in a tiny nap while we waited.

Levi was so excited he could hardly contain himself. "Momma, the parade is going to start and have lots of candy?"

Our dear friend Mayshell with Levi and Addi

(Love you lady!)

Bailey marching

This is our kitchen before I decided to tear it all to pieces and give it a whole new look. We started with the stove. This is the new one we put in and these are the counter tops before demolition.

Here are the counter tops with the smashed tile pieces in place and the sink gone. It felt really therapeutic to smash all of this tile up into tiny little pieces and place them together again like a puzzle. Levi really had a great time smashing the tile too. We just had to really make it clear to him that this was a ONE TIME SMASHING PROJECT. LOL

It's funny how I have an idea and everyone else seems to get pulled into it. Poor Richard, my dad, Mayshell, Bailey, Addi, Levi, Reiko and the gang all got sucked in. This is us pasting in each tiny piece.

Here it is pretty much finished. We still have some ideas of resin and light foe painting around the edges for it to be completely done.

We love it!

You can see in this picture that the floors are ripped out and getting ready for tile. That's what our focus is right now. We hope to have the tile flooring done by this weekend.

I hope, I hope!

Look how torn up our house has been this week. Uuughhh! It's driving me NUTS! LOL I keep telling Levi he has to wear shoes while the flooring is not done. This was his attempt to obey. What can I say... LOL He's so funny!

Even with all of this remodel craziness, our friends still wanted to come spend the evening at our house for a harvest party meal together. We had no running water in the sink, no flooring down, unfinished counters in the kitchen, no working toilet upstairs (it had to be pulled for the flooring..fortunately we have a working one downstairs) and everything was covered in dust. I told them it would be like eating in a barn...but they still came anyways. That's just how much they love us.

Who needs a put together house and flooring to have a great time? LOL

WE ENJOYED EVERY MOMENT

AND WOULD DO IT AGAIN IN A HEART BEAT!

Love each and every one of you...It was awesome!

Starting Injections

Today I went in for my diabetic check-up and also to start a new injectable medication call Byette. I’ve been a bit nervous to start injections but after praying about it; decided it was what I should do. One of the possible side effects of this medication is weight loss. I’m hoping this will be the case with me. After starting the diabetic medications I’ve currently on, I’ve put on 30 lbs and it’s been really hard to accept. So, I’m praying, praying, praying that I have great results with Byette.


Levi was my buddy today and he was a pretty good boy for the most part. He did decide to dig his powder out from my purse and shook it all over himself and the chair he was sitting on. LOL Other than that, he did fine.


The doctor’s office was great. They set me up with my first month’s worth of Byette and needles. The Byette shots are taken twice daily. They also gave me an inhaler, and a new box of Accu Strips (Yay!), and sent me to the lab to get blood drawn for my levels to be checked.

They also gave me the results of my recent sonogram and uterine biopsy. EVERYTHING LOOKS GREAT AND THERE IS NO SIGN OF ABNORMALITIES…LIKE POLYPS OR CANCER! Thank you Jesus!!!

The doctor did say that the lining of my uterus looked like it was slightly decreasing in thickness and that is what she likes to see. I will again be checked in another 6 months.

This is the nice looking young man named Cordeus (Isn’t that a great name?) that drew my blood for the level check. He was very sweet and allowed me to take his picture for my blog. LOL

He did a great job and it hardly hurt a bit.

Giving yourself injections is such a creepy thought. My heart goes out to those that have to do it and don’t have a choice about it. My doctor recommended this for me a few months ago, but I just couldn’t get myself to accept it. Then, this last month, I just felt I was ready. I knew that in order to do an embryo adoption, I’d have to do injections for my body to accept the embryos and also because I am a diabetic, I would have to switch to injections for the pregnancy. So, I figure that there is no way around it; I should accept it, bite the bullet, and start the Byette now.

Here is me giving myself my first shot.

Tonight for dinner we had Chinese food and my fortune cookie said, “You should be able to undertake and complete anything you desire.” Hummm… pretty appropriate, huh?

I can do All things through Christ Who strengthens me.

Awww… Even injections!

In Loving Arms

I wanted to share some pictures of my son and I taken the other day by my sister when she was visiting. Although, they are not the most flattering pictures of us, I can’t help but think, they remind me of just where my heart is right now with waiting, embryo adoption (E/A), and my appointment today for a uterine biopsy (done every six months to make sure I do not develop cancer). Knowing that I had this upcoming appointment has had me thinking a lot about the “Why”. Why do I have to wait so long? Why do I have to have the cancer threat hanging over my head? Why does it seem to happen for others so quickly and I have to stand on the sidelines cheering them on with no hope in site for our own E/A? It seems so unfair and I often feel left behind. Why is our waiting filled with so much pain and uncertainty?

It’s in these quiet moments when I’m left alone with my thoughts that I struggle with this. I cry and feel just as my son, as his father left for the football game without him. He couldn't understand why he was being left behind. Why he had to stay when his father knew how much he enjoyed going. I watched as his little heart broke and his sobs for me to allow him to go seemed to go unheard. I being his mother knew that he was sick; it would not be good for him to be in the night air at the game. Although, it hurt my heart to see him feel so disappointed and upset, I did what was best for him because I love him.

As Levi sobbed, I called him to me and picked him up within my arms. I listened to his heartache and spoke softly to him. I said, Levi, Mommy knows how much you want to go with Daddy. I know your little heart is broken, but you are sick right now and have to stay here with me. I soothed his sobs with loving words and kissed his head and held him. It wasn’t long before he quieted and relaxed within my arms and snuggled close to me.




He lay there for quite awhile until he felt better and accepted that he was not going and would miss the game. A bit later he was talking of other things and excited to go play with his sister.


These last few days as my heart pondered the “Whys”, I thought of those pictures taken with my son. That’s exactly what happens with me. When alone, I sob my heart out and wonder why, how long, and when will it be our turn? Then, I feel a gentle soothing of my Jesus as He wraps His arms around me and speaks ever so softly to my heart. I feel His love for me and I’m comforted with His knowing what is best for me. I don’t understand or have answers to my questions, but I am resolved to know that my heavenly father has only the best in store for me and I can trust His timing, His trials, this road He’s chosen for me. Then, just as my precious son did in my arms, I relax and am quieted. I feel a sense of peace as I think about our journey. God is in control and this walk I am walking is for change in me. I’m a completely different person today, than I was even a year ago. This has not been easy, but it is necessary for me.

Today, with my doctor appointment, the doctor gave me the choice. She could tell by my sonogram taken last week that the lining of my uterus appeared to not have changed in the last 6 months. Knowing how painful the biopsy would be, she really didn’t want to do it if it wasn't necessary. For the briefest of moments, I was completely relieved. But then, I heard that ever so soft and very familiar voice speak to my heart. I would need this biopsy to have current proof that I am cancer free if I am to do an embryo adoption. In that brief moment, I felt a sense that I was choosing more than just whether or not to do the biopsy, but rather whether or not this road the Lord has me on is worth the pain. In that moment I knew; it was, and I would willingly choose to suffer for whatever that Lord has for me. I’ve often said that,

“I do not know what my future holds, but I do trust the One who holds it within His hands”.

Today, in this moment, that statement felt like it grounded me in my future and my walk with Jesus. Not only did I choose to undergo the painful biopsy today, but I also felt that my heart had taken in a new breath of understanding. I can trust the Lord. It will not be easy, but nothing…absolutely NOTHING will happen to me that first does not pass through His hands and is the best for me. I’ve given my life to Him and I desire for Him to use me in whatever way He sees best. Even if that “best”, is down a road myself and others do not always understand.

Lord Jesus, thank you for all You have done in my life. Thank you for every difficult and hard thing You have walked me through. I trust You with the building of our family and only desire what You desire for me. Teach me to trust You with the “Why's” that erupts from my longing and settle the sorrow that the waiting has upon my heart. You are such a loving God and it is so deep within my heart to please You.