What Do I Know of Holy

This song was humbling today for me.  

Enjoy

:))

My Heart Today

Today was 50’s day at school and Addison looked so cute all dressed up, I had to snap a few pictures.

With things being a bit depressing here at home this morning I wanted to get out and just enjoy the nice weather. Levi and I decided to meet Richard for lunch and spend a bit of time together. When I was driving home I couldn’t help but think of the struggles we are having and feel the frustration that embryo adoption waiting has been for us.

Then, wouldn't you know it, I passed the cemetery.  It struck my heart so hard that I had to pull over and think about it for a moment.   I even snapped a picture of it. 

 

Everyone dies... We all are only here for such a short time...  I want my life here on this earth to have substance.  I want it to mean more than just the simple life of living for myself.  I want the Lord to use me anyway that He sees fit.  So He's handed me the gift of infertility, disappointment, and years of sorrowful waiting as He builds our family.  I've struggled, whined, pleaded for Him to complete us but, it's His desire for us to continue to wait. 
                                   (My lilacs in full bloom today)

I know that His thoughts are higher than mine and I know that His love for me is greater than I could ever imagine, so I will continue to trust Him.  He has formed me in my mother's womb and He knows me even better than I know myself.  From the moment I took my first breath of life to the moment I lay this life down and take my last breath hear on this earth... I will continue to trust Him.
                 (Found this figurine in a gift shop and had to have it.)

My heart will hurt, my tears will fall and my spirit will fail, but in all things... I will continue to trust You, Jesus.                                             
                                                          
                 God, You are so good to me.   

Frustrating Week

I’m having one of those weeks where you just want to pull the covers over your head and ask the Lord to start over. Yesterday I spend hours on the phone trying to locate Richards and my infertility documents that show our test results for my surgeries, exams, and his sperm analysis and urology diagnosis. I was repeatedly told that our records are too old and was destroyed. I guess when you struggle with infertility early in your marriage and then go the road of adoption, only to return again to the hope of a pregnancy, this is to be expected. Apparently, when you are not a patient for over 10 years, your records are destroyed. We’ve been at this waiting business to have a baby for 21 years…So now I guess, it’s a clean slate and we have to re-do all of the test and have no proof of the past. I’m beating myself up for not keeping a file of these documents and being more organized.


Then, for the adoption grant we are applying for, I need a letter from my doctor that states I can have a baby (our infertility is because of my husband’s 0 sperm). I received a phone call from my doctor; she will only write the letter if I pay to have another costly and painful biopsy and sonogram. I have been cleared from these biopsies already and have been told that they are unnecessary by other doctors because the last several sonograms and biopsies have looked so good. I do have the sonograms every six months and the last one looked great…So why should I have to pay for an additional one, and the pain of the biopsy, just to have a letter written?



What if applying for this grant is for nothing, and what if we never hear from a couple regarding embryos. The few we have heard from have not seemed hopeful for any length of time. I just hate the idea of putting myself through this painful experience and paying all of the new doctor visits and costly test and exams without any real assurance that we are even going to get to do an embryo adoption soon. If not, and it’s still going to be more waiting that the Lord has for us, then all of these tests would have to be done again to satisfy everyone with current results. I just wish I had something solid to plant my hope and desires upon that would make this all worth it.



So today, I’m praying for the Lord to show me His will. I have to remind myself that the Lord sometimes shuts a door so that I will turn and follow His will in another direction. I’m also praying that the slim possibility of our infertility clinic used 20 years ago might have some of the lost documents. I called them last week and signed to have my records sent to me. I have not heard anything so am hopeful that they indeed do still have records to send.

Jesus, please show me Your will and straighten my heart if I am to have this biopsy. Please bring us our embryo/’s and finish this journey of waiting and hoping to see the fulfillment of the promises You’ve spoken to our hearts. We love You Lord Jesus and if it’s Your will that we continue to wait and go through these difficulties….Please help us to endure them and not despair…Mold us into useful tools and use our lives, marriage, journey of infertility, adoptions and waiting, all for Your glory.

                                               Amen

When You Pray

When you pray...

These were the words that I woke to this morning. I pondered them for a moment only tho realize this was the Lord speaking to me and His meaning was a bit direct to the fact, that it's been a while since I've stopped and given Him time...prayed. So, while the house was still quiet with everyone sleeping, I got on my knees and sought the Lord. The moment I opened my heart to Him I realized there was a bucket full of anger awaiting me to be dealt with. Anger towards loved ones who've hurt me, anger towards past friends who've hurt or disappointed me, and then, it surprised me to see that among the list was the Lord Himself. I realized that I was holding frustration, disappointment and even anger towards the Lord in His plan of waiting for our embryos.

It seems that through the years that we've waited, I've gone through so many different phases of emotions. We started with excitement, then we seemed to have a sigh of frustrated desire, then excitement again and disappointment, sorrow, back to frustrations of longing, waiting, buckets of tears, acceptance of His timing, and now...I find hidden anger. It stumped me for a moment that I could be holding anger and yet stay active in my church, sing and play worship, pray, receive from the Word and yet be holding something so hard as anger, for frustrated desires, against the very One I'm worshiping.

but geeze, isn't that what we do so often with those we get offended or hurt by...we act like it's fine and there's nothing wrong. Yet, inside we still have that coldness towards them that lingers. I just really didn't think it would be possible to do that with my Lord and Savior.

So, this morning there was a washing of repentance and I asked the Lord to help me to forgive and love those who've hurt me and to forgive me for holding my heart in anger towards Him.

AAAuuuhhhh sigh... What a heavy load lifted.

I truly want to shine in Jesus and do it from a genuine heart. How else will we reach this hurting world?

Thank you Jesus for waking me this morning and working...Once Again...on my stubborn heart.

New plan for chasing away the embryo waiting blues

I've been struggling with the embryo blues lately so I've decided to start spending more time filling my heart and mind with the Word of God, rather then focusing on what isn't happening in the embryo waiting arena. I've started watching the DVD's produced through the Wilsey Bible School in Wilsey, KS. These are verse by verse teaching studies through the Bible.

Last night I watched one in the book of ACTS and loved it completely! I slept so sweetly after filling my mind with the richness of God's Word. A great big Auhhha, just settled within me.

I just happen to have an inside source to these DVD's and am able to get as many as I want. If anyone else wants to do these with me, I'll send you a copy also. Just email me your address and I'll send a set to you.

There is NOTHING that satisfies a hurting heart more than the Word of God.

Again... Auhhha!

Be Still My Waiting Heart

So...

this morning I’m finding myself struggling once again with the lows of embryo waiting. I’m sitting here waiting for my doctors office to return my call to schedule my next endometrial aspirate biopsy and pelvic sonogram. I also just happen to need a refill of the Provera I take daily to keep the chances of uterine cancer at bay.

I was supposed to schedule this in October but put it off until now.

(I know…shame on me!)

I dread going into these appointments and talking to my doctor because I know I will once again, have to plead my case to continue to wait and hope for someone to donate their embryos to me for an embryo adoption. It’s so hard for others (my doctor) to understand from what craziness my longing stems from and why I would choose to continue to wait and hope for something that seems so far from my reach.

Why don’t I just go to a clinic and use clinic embryos, have a baby and be done with this whole thing. Why risk the waiting and possibility of developing uterine cancer.

It’s so hard to find the words and explain my heart and the lessons I’ve learned in obedience of following …and YES, waiting upon the Lord and His timing and plan.

We’ve been at this for over 21 years now and I’ve learned that every time I move in any direction other than what the Lord opens for me, it ends in frustration, pain and heartbreak.

I’ve learned to simply wait.

We waited four years for Bailey, six years for Addi and there has been nine years of waiting between Addi and Levi. For our embryo desire we’ve been praying for almost 8 years and the last two have been combined with the added pressure of a ticking time bomb of a faulty uterus if we do not do something soon.

I’m feeling so weak these days. I’m crying all the time, emotional eating whenever possible and throwing myself into every kind of home improvement project I can think of.

All of these things seem to be occupying my mind but my heart is feeling the weight and heaviness that unless you’ve been in my shoes you could never truly understand.

So...

this morning, I’m finding myself comforted by the book of Psalms. I can relate to the heart of David and his pleas for the Lord to hear him.

…Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart; be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.

…The Lord hear thee in the day of trouble; the name of the God of Jacob defend thee; Send thee help for the sanctuary, and strengthen thee out of Zion; Remember all thy offerings, and accept thy burnt sacrifice…

Grant thee according to thine own heart, and fulfil all thy counsel. We (I) will rejoice in thy salvation, and in banners; the LORD fulfil all thy petitions. Now know I that the LORD saveth his anointed; he will hear him from his holy heaven with the saving strength of his right hand. Some trust in chariots, and some in horses; but we will remember the name of the LORD our God. They are brought down and fallen; But we are risen, and stand upright. Save, LORD: let the king hear us when we call.

…The king (I) shall joy in thy strength, O LORD; and in thy salvation how greatly shall he (I) rejoice! Thou has given him his heart’s desire, and has not witholden the request o f his lips.

(Psalm 19:14 thru 21:1)

(Psalms 23:1)

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

Lord Jesus,

Please help me today to find strength and courage in dealing with my doctor. Please give me the right words to say that she will continue to understand my heart. I truly only want the babies that You have for me and I am willing to wait until You open the door and bring them into my life. Help my longing heart to be satisfied in the waiting and find joy in the blessings You’ve already given. Thank you for my dear sweet son who surrounds my days, when hubby is working and the girls are at school, with funny antics that keep me laughing, although my heart is breaking. Hold my thoughts and keep my mind stayed upon You as You continue to hold me, and my desires of being a Mommy, securely within Your hand.

Here are some pictures of this last weeks family outings, remodel projects and spending time with friends ...Yes, more food fellowships because we love spending time with friends around our table.

Our family and Mayshell drove 2 1/2 hours to watch Bailey march in the Neewollah parade. We had to arrive 2 hours early to find a spot down front. The streets were packed for 3miles. We brought our blankets and spent time together waiting for it to start. Addison took this picture of us.

Addison

I had been up cooking for our harvest party until 3:00 am that morning and so Levi and I snuck in a tiny nap while we waited.

Levi was so excited he could hardly contain himself. "Momma, the parade is going to start and have lots of candy?"

Our dear friend Mayshell with Levi and Addi

(Love you lady!)

Bailey marching

This is our kitchen before I decided to tear it all to pieces and give it a whole new look. We started with the stove. This is the new one we put in and these are the counter tops before demolition.

Here are the counter tops with the smashed tile pieces in place and the sink gone. It felt really therapeutic to smash all of this tile up into tiny little pieces and place them together again like a puzzle. Levi really had a great time smashing the tile too. We just had to really make it clear to him that this was a ONE TIME SMASHING PROJECT. LOL

It's funny how I have an idea and everyone else seems to get pulled into it. Poor Richard, my dad, Mayshell, Bailey, Addi, Levi, Reiko and the gang all got sucked in. This is us pasting in each tiny piece.

Here it is pretty much finished. We still have some ideas of resin and light foe painting around the edges for it to be completely done.

We love it!

You can see in this picture that the floors are ripped out and getting ready for tile. That's what our focus is right now. We hope to have the tile flooring done by this weekend.

I hope, I hope!

Look how torn up our house has been this week. Uuughhh! It's driving me NUTS! LOL I keep telling Levi he has to wear shoes while the flooring is not done. This was his attempt to obey. What can I say... LOL He's so funny!

Even with all of this remodel craziness, our friends still wanted to come spend the evening at our house for a harvest party meal together. We had no running water in the sink, no flooring down, unfinished counters in the kitchen, no working toilet upstairs (it had to be pulled for the flooring..fortunately we have a working one downstairs) and everything was covered in dust. I told them it would be like eating in a barn...but they still came anyways. That's just how much they love us.

Who needs a put together house and flooring to have a great time? LOL

WE ENJOYED EVERY MOMENT

AND WOULD DO IT AGAIN IN A HEART BEAT!

Love each and every one of you...It was awesome!

Ever wonder what love truly looks like?...

This morning I was really struggling with emotions... Feeling the longing for our embryo babies and for God to open the door for our heats desire.

I was pretty much a mess!

So a huge part of me was thankful that we've been busy this past week with remodeling our kitchen and floors. The distraction has been good.

This morning when I'm struggling with my pity party, I received a phone call from Levi's birthmother Reiko. She said that her hubby and his friends didn't have to work today and they decided to come help me with whatever needed done. I can't tell you how much this touched me to have them come and bless me like this. It was also great to hold Heidern and have some Grandma time with him.

It was just what I needed.

If you've ever wondered what love looks like, here is a perfect picture.

These guys came to do nothing more than bless me and ...Man, did they ever!

They worked all day long tearing out our wood floors throughout the house. (Everywhere we are going to put tile.) I just stood around in amazement of how much they love me to do such hard ...really hard work. Especially when all I had to offer them was a can of pop. Even that was hot due to a lack of cups and ice. I'm pretty sure they had no idea that the Lord had used them to pull me from my sadness and stop the flood of tears that were building to blow this morning.

Poor Heidern was not exactly sure why everyone was banging hammers and making so much noise. LOL

God is so good and my love for these guys and Reiko is overflowing.

They truly are precious to me!

Turning 40, Cabbage Rolls & A Family Dinner

Yes, last week I turned 40.

I was really struggling with this age because in the infertility world, 40 is the point where it gets more and more difficult to be chosen, accepted, thought of as young enough to parent/birth.

We've been waiting so long to be matched with a couples' embryos and turning 40 didn't help one little bit.

This past week our church started a new in depth, Bible study. One of the first steps in this course was looking honestly at who you are and how you minimize sin. It's called the Gospel Centered Life. As I browsed the list of character traits, I saw the words fake and hiding.

I couldn't help but instantly well up with tears.

Faking- "I strive to keep up appearances and maintain a respectable image. My behavior, to some degree, is driven by what I think others think of me. I also do not like to think reflectively about my life. As a result, not many people know the real me. (I may not even know the real me.)"


Hiding- " I tend to conceal as much as I can about my life, especially the "bad stuff". This is different from faking, in that faking is about impressing, Hiding is more about shame. I don't' think people will accept or love the real me."

So often, I try to keep up a smile and put on a happy face for others. But inside, I'm deeply sorrowful. I'm continually dealing with the heavy feelings of longing and waiting...the sadness of unfulfilled desires that infertility has upon my life.

I'm crying most nights and praying most days for the Lord not to forget His promises to me.

I'm constantly trying to put our best face forward to show our family as the perfect open arms to receive their precious embryos and yet, horribly fearful that my age, weight, income, tiny little house will be a stumbling block for us.

Yesterday morning, I picked up a children's book that my mother had sent home with Levi. He and I sat in the living room big chair and read it together.

It was the story from the Bible of Sarah and Abraham. I didn't get past the first page before I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks. The picture of this little old lady (Sarah) giggling over the fulfillment of the promise from the Lord, was more then I could handle. I've heard this story many times but today...

it just spoke volumes to my aching heart.

40 is not too old, I am exactly where the Lord wants me and His timing to fulfill our promises will be perfect.

A new peace is beginning to settle within me. My sister Janene said it best when she said ... I'm being re-made from the inside out.

I believe that the Lord has a beautiful plan for our family and it really doesn't matter what age I am...

if He deems it time.

For I know that,

All things will work together for the good.

And

NOTHING is too difficult for my God.

So after reading this children's book, I felt a freshness and

my day seemed a bit brighter.

Jesus, You have such a way of encouraging my heart. I know that you have not forsaken me... and the desires You've placed within my heart, will not be forgotten.

So...

in You, I will continue to wait.

This picture of Richard holding our grandbaby, Heidern and our friend's twin girls, Taylor & Tristyn

warms my heart as I think of all the Lord has in store for our family.

Tonight we have a family dinner planned with many we call family.

(Reiko, Gabby, Heidern, Pollo, Quany, Megan, Josiah, Tristyn, Taylor, Mayshell, Di & Beau... and our family of 5)

We are having Cabbage Rolls, Pico de gallo, and Fruit Salad.

Cabbage Rolls have been a family recipe and favorite ever since I was a little girl. My mother always made them for my sisters' and my birthdays.

They truly are wonderful!

This last year, I made them for a family dinner with Reiko, Gabby and Pollo. As we began to eat, I was COMPLETELY horrified when they dumped fresh pico de gallo over the top of them.

It just seemed WRONG!

After much convincing, I tried it and discovered that they had

FOREVER

changed my famous cabbage rolls...

I loved it! With all of the new and wonderful things I'm learning regarding Mexican cooking, I think I should write a cookbook titled...

"My Daughter Married A Mexican"

LOL

Having Reiko, Gabby and many of their friends now in my life, my eyes have been opened to so many new things and I love it!

Now, many have asked what are Cabbage Rolls any ways?...So I've decided to step by step photo journal the recipe for everyone. So here we go...

Pico de gallo

(Remember, I cook in bulk because our Family Dinners feed many. The recipe I give you is more for a regular size family meal.)

1 lg. onion

2 lg. tomatoes

1 bundle of cilantro

2-3 fresh limes

3-4 hot peppers

generous amount of sea salt sprinkled over the top

I always start with the onions. I guess chopping them is not my favorite thing to do, so I like to get it over with at the beginning. I have one of those fancy choppers that help make it a bit faster and less painful. LOL I see these choppers all the time at garage sales... Pick one up the next time you see one and you will love it, I promise.

Here is my little helper.

He was working really hard at it too. hahahaha

Now that he's finished and grown tired of the project, I re-chop them and make sure I do enough for the pico and also set some aside for the cabbage rolls later.


Next, I chop up the tomatoes. Gabby says that all the ingredients should be chopped about the same size to look right. He also told me that the colors of the Mexican flag represent tomatoes, hot peppers, and onion...Red, Green, and White. The staple ingredients in most Mexican foods.

Too funny!

Cilantro

Make sure you wash this pretty good. I've found lots of dirt sometimes within the bundle. Remove the stems and chop away.

Next, add the limes juice.

I use a glass juicer I picked up at a garage sale.

Yep, I'm a sale junkie. I see them all the time.

Awesome item to have in the kitchen and works great.

And finally, I chop the hot peppers with my chopper and add the salt. Be careful to not inhale the pepper fumes....

OUCH!

Talk about cleansing out your brain...

BY FIRE!!! LOL

Mix it all around and put it in the frig until dinner time.

Cabbage Rolls

(Again, remember pictures show bulk cooking for our Family Dinners. The recipe is for a much smaller amount. If you want to bulk cook ...double or triple the recipe)

1 lb. hamburger

1 lb. sausage (hot)

1 onion

2 can (80z) tomato sauce

Mix

2 c. cooked rice

Salt/ Pepper

Spoon into steamed cabbage and top with tomato sauce

Cover in tinfoil and cook 1 hour at 350*

First I precook the rice so it has time to cool a bit before I use it.


It's hard to see this picture but this is the precooked rice set aside to cool. I also added the onions that I chopped and set aside when making the pico.

Here is another of my kitchen helpers.

Bailey is attacking the meat with a force not to be matched. :)

She's mixing the hamburger and sausage in a lg. pan to make sure nothing spills out.

You really want your meats to be blended well.

Next she's mixing in the rice and onions. You just can't do this any other way but to use your hands.

That's why you want that rice to cool.

Once that is all mixed you want to blend in 1 can of tomato sauce, salt and pepper.

Then mix it all really well.


In a separate bowl, de-core your cabbage and place in a bowl. Fill the empty core with tap water and place it in the microwave for a few minutes.

Cooking the cabbage slightly this way will allow you to easily pull the off the layers of leaves without breaking them.

Once you have a pile of leaves ready, begin scooping the meat mixture into the leaves, wrapping them tightly, and placing them snugly into a lg. cooking pan.

Once you have the whole pan full of rolls, top them with the other can of tomato sauce. I also like to chop up the left over cabbage and tuck it all around to cook with the rolls and absorb the juices.

It's yummy.

Cover with tinfoil and bake.
Here is what they look like when finished cooking.

And... Oh Man, do they smell good!

You can't have Cabbage Rolls without Fruit Salad. It's tradition.

While your Cabbage Rolls are baking, it's time to prepare the fruit salad. My friend Di and Addison were making it.

Fruit Salad

1 can chucked pineapples

1 can mixed fruit

2-3 apples

2-3 bananas

1 handful of chopped nuts

1 lg. spoonful of sour cream

First thing you need to do is drain the pinapple juice into a bowl and use it for dipping the apples and banana slices in. This will keep them from turning brown and ugly. Once you dip them in the juice, spoon them into the fruit salad bowl.

Dump your dipped apples, bananas, pineapples and drained mix fruit into a big bowl.

Now add your big spoonfull of sour cream and chopped nuts. Mix well and refrigerate until dinner time. Some people like to add marshmellows but we don't because I like to keep down the sugars.

Now it's time to eat.

And this is how you do it! It may not look too pretty but OH MAN...is it ever good!!

Here Bailey is doing what some of the kids do... Passing the cabbage to Dad. LOL Our family dinners are usually so big that we use the entire house to seat everyone.

Love the closeness!

After dinner Gabby, Reiko and Pollo had some birthday gifts for Bailey and a few more for Levi.



This is the Hollister jacket Pollo bought for Bailey.

She was thrilled.

Levi got more of the dino collection and couldn't have been happier.

Addi, Heidern and Pollo

Dinner was good, the family was great, and the blessings of having everyone we call family in our lives is Awesome!

Couldn't be more thankful!