Thursday, November 5, 2009

Be Still My Waiting Heart


this morning I’m finding myself struggling once again with the lows of embryo waiting. I’m sitting here waiting for my doctors office to return my call to schedule my next endometrial aspirate biopsy and pelvic sonogram. I also just happen to need a refill of the Provera I take daily to keep the chances of uterine cancer at bay.

I was supposed to schedule this in October but put it off until now.

(I know…shame on me!)

I dread going into these appointments and talking to my doctor because I know I will once again, have to plead my case to continue to wait and hope for someone to donate their embryos to me for an embryo adoption. It’s so hard for others (my doctor) to understand from what craziness my longing stems from and why I would choose to continue to wait and hope for something that seems so far from my reach.

Why don’t I just go to a clinic and use clinic embryos, have a baby and be done with this whole thing. Why risk the waiting and possibility of developing uterine cancer.

It’s so hard to find the words and explain my heart and the lessons I’ve learned in obedience of following …and YES, waiting upon the Lord and His timing and plan.

We’ve been at this for over 21 years now and I’ve learned that every time I move in any direction other than what the Lord opens for me, it ends in frustration, pain and heartbreak.

I’ve learned to simply wait.

We waited four years for Bailey, six years for Addi and there has been nine years of waiting between Addi and Levi. For our embryo desire we’ve been praying for almost 8 years and the last two have been combined with the added pressure of a ticking time bomb of a faulty uterus if we do not do something soon.

I’m feeling so weak these days. I’m crying all the time, emotional eating whenever possible and throwing myself into every kind of home improvement project I can think of.

All of these things seem to be occupying my mind but my heart is feeling the weight and heaviness that unless you’ve been in my shoes you could never truly understand.


this morning, I’m finding myself comforted by the book of Psalms. I can relate to the heart of David and his pleas for the Lord to hear him.

…Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart; be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.

…The Lord hear thee in the day of trouble; the name of the God of Jacob defend thee; Send thee help for the sanctuary, and strengthen thee out of Zion; Remember all thy offerings, and accept thy burnt sacrifice…

Grant thee according to thine own heart, and fulfil all thy counsel. We (I) will rejoice in thy salvation, and in banners; the LORD fulfil all thy petitions. Now know I that the LORD saveth his anointed; he will hear him from his holy heaven with the saving strength of his right hand. Some trust in chariots, and some in horses; but we will remember the name of the LORD our God. They are brought down and fallen; But we are risen, and stand upright. Save, LORD: let the king hear us when we call.

…The king (I) shall joy in thy strength, O LORD; and in thy salvation how greatly shall he (I) rejoice! Thou has given him his heart’s desire, and has not witholden the request o f his lips.

(Psalm 19:14 thru 21:1)

(Psalms 23:1)

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

Lord Jesus,

Please help me today to find strength and courage in dealing with my doctor. Please give me the right words to say that she will continue to understand my heart. I truly only want the babies that You have for me and I am willing to wait until You open the door and bring them into my life. Help my longing heart to be satisfied in the waiting and find joy in the blessings You’ve already given. Thank you for my dear sweet son who surrounds my days, when hubby is working and the girls are at school, with funny antics that keep me laughing, although my heart is breaking. Hold my thoughts and keep my mind stayed upon You as You continue to hold me, and my desires of being a Mommy, securely within Your hand.
Here are some pictures of this last weeks family outings, remodel projects and spending time with friends ...Yes, more food fellowships because we love spending time with friends around our table.
Our family and Mayshell drove 2 1/2 hours to watch Bailey march in the Neewollah parade. We had to arrive 2 hours early to find a spot down front. The streets were packed for 3miles. We brought our blankets and spent time together waiting for it to start. Addison took this picture of us.
I had been up cooking for our harvest party until 3:00 am that morning and so Levi and I snuck in a tiny nap while we waited.
Levi was so excited he could hardly contain himself. "Momma, the parade is going to start and have lots of candy?"
Our dear friend Mayshell with Levi and Addi
(Love you lady!)
Bailey marching
This is our kitchen before I decided to tear it all to pieces and give it a whole new look. We started with the stove. This is the new one we put in and these are the counter tops before demolition.
Here are the counter tops with the smashed tile pieces in place and the sink gone. It felt really therapeutic to smash all of this tile up into tiny little pieces and place them together again like a puzzle. Levi really had a great time smashing the tile too. We just had to really make it clear to him that this was a ONE TIME SMASHING PROJECT. LOL
It's funny how I have an idea and everyone else seems to get pulled into it. Poor Richard, my dad, Mayshell, Bailey, Addi, Levi, Reiko and the gang all got sucked in. This is us pasting in each tiny piece.
Here it is pretty much finished. We still have some ideas of resin and light foe painting around the edges for it to be completely done.
We love it!
You can see in this picture that the floors are ripped out and getting ready for tile. That's what our focus is right now. We hope to have the tile flooring done by this weekend.
I hope, I hope!
Look how torn up our house has been this week. Uuughhh! It's driving me NUTS! LOL I keep telling Levi he has to wear shoes while the flooring is not done. This was his attempt to obey. What can I say... LOL He's so funny!
Even with all of this remodel craziness, our friends still wanted to come spend the evening at our house for a harvest party meal together. We had no running water in the sink, no flooring down, unfinished counters in the kitchen, no working toilet upstairs (it had to be pulled for the flooring..fortunately we have a working one downstairs) and everything was covered in dust. I told them it would be like eating in a barn...but they still came anyways. That's just how much they love us.

Who needs a put together house and flooring to have a great time? LOL

Love each and every one of you...It was awesome!