Anyone reading our story might think... She has three kids so what's she complaining for...right? Well, I do have three wonderful children but, I also have this deep rooted desire that the Lord has placed in my heart that still isn't fulfilled. My husband and I have been waiting for over 6 years now to do an embryo adoption.
I was told by my doctor that although, my uterus is now in a good place to carry a pregnancy and do an embryo adoption, it will not stay that way. In time my uterus will produce cancer. I'm currently taking provera to hold off cycles and monitoring by sonograms as we wait. Once we’ve birthed, I have agreed to have a full hysterectomy. My Dr…. and very loving Mother, would like to see this happen and not put it off any longer than necessary. Knowing our deep desire to finish our family by embryo adoption, the advice I was given was to share my story with everyone who would listen and see what God will do.
So here I am…
I know that this is something that God has spoken to my heart that we will do. I just often have a hard time understanding why we have to wait under such circumstances to do it. Most days I feel like I eat, sleep, and live within a ticking time clock of this desire. I guess I have always had this with infertility. But, these days it seems to scream louder than usual.
I’m constantly seeking the Lord and His peace and have felt His hand of comfort and reassurance that He will finish what He has started within my life. I just have to continue to remind myself that I can’t and was never meant, to hold all of the emotions that come along with waiting, bottled up inside. I’m just not that strong!
So today…again, I find myself at the feet of Jesus, asking Him to help me push through this day and keep my focus upon the joys of being a mother and having so many blessings in my life. It’s truly a battle at times to keep a proper perspective when your heart longs for something so strong. Periodically, I have to do focus checks. Kind of like an attitude check only it’s more of where and what is my heart and eyes fixed upon? Is it upon what I don’t have or how is this ever going to work out? Or, is it upon believing that He is able to do all things in His time… And the biggest thing is trusting that timing. It’s all about laying my heart, my longing, and my desire before Him and leaving it there.
I have a life verse that speaks volumes to my aching heart. It's…
1 Peter 5:10
“ But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.”
I love this verse because, I feel the last 20 years of waiting and struggling with a desire for children has changed, established and strengthened me.
Oh, but I long... I so long, to have Him finish the work of putting our family together and finally, once and for all, settling me.
I seem to pray more and more these day...Lord Jesus, please come quickly and finish that work You've begun in me and forever quiet that desire You've placed in my heart and settle me.