Monday, October 13, 2008

In Loving Arms

I wanted to share some pictures of my son and I taken the other day by my sister when she was visiting. Although, they are not the most flattering pictures of us, I can’t help but think, they remind me of just where my heart is right now with waiting, embryo adoption (E/A), and my appointment today for a uterine biopsy (done every six months to make sure I do not develop cancer). Knowing that I had this upcoming appointment has had me thinking a lot about the “Why”. Why do I have to wait so long? Why do I have to have the cancer threat hanging over my head? Why does it seem to happen for others so quickly and I have to stand on the sidelines cheering them on with no hope in site for our own E/A? It seems so unfair and I often feel left behind. Why is our waiting filled with so much pain and uncertainty?

It’s in these quiet moments when I’m left alone with my thoughts that I struggle with this. I cry and feel just as my son, as his father left for the football game without him. He couldn't understand why he was being left behind. Why he had to stay when his father knew how much he enjoyed going. I watched as his little heart broke and his sobs for me to allow him to go seemed to go unheard. I being his mother knew that he was sick; it would not be good for him to be in the night air at the game. Although, it hurt my heart to see him feel so disappointed and upset, I did what was best for him because I love him.

As Levi sobbed, I called him to me and picked him up within my arms. I listened to his heartache and spoke softly to him. I said, Levi, Mommy knows how much you want to go with Daddy. I know your little heart is broken, but you are sick right now and have to stay here with me. I soothed his sobs with loving words and kissed his head and held him. It wasn’t long before he quieted and relaxed within my arms and snuggled close to me.

He lay there for quite awhile until he felt better and accepted that he was not going and would miss the game. A bit later he was talking of other things and excited to go play with his sister.

These last few days as my heart pondered the “Whys”, I thought of those pictures taken with my son. That’s exactly what happens with me. When alone, I sob my heart out and wonder why, how long, and when will it be our turn? Then, I feel a gentle soothing of my Jesus as He wraps His arms around me and speaks ever so softly to my heart. I feel His love for me and I’m comforted with His knowing what is best for me. I don’t understand or have answers to my questions, but I am resolved to know that my heavenly father has only the best in store for me and I can trust His timing, His trials, this road He’s chosen for me. Then, just as my precious son did in my arms, I relax and am quieted. I feel a sense of peace as I think about our journey. God is in control and this walk I am walking is for change in me. I’m a completely different person today, than I was even a year ago. This has not been easy, but it is necessary for me.

Today, with my doctor appointment, the doctor gave me the choice. She could tell by my sonogram taken last week that the lining of my uterus appeared to not have changed in the last 6 months. Knowing how painful the biopsy would be, she really didn’t want to do it if it wasn't necessary. For the briefest of moments, I was completely relieved. But then, I heard that ever so soft and very familiar voice speak to my heart. I would need this biopsy to have current proof that I am cancer free if I am to do an embryo adoption. In that brief moment, I felt a sense that I was choosing more than just whether or not to do the biopsy, but rather whether or not this road the Lord has me on is worth the pain. In that moment I knew; it was, and I would willingly choose to suffer for whatever that Lord has for me. I’ve often said that,

I do not know what my future holds, but I do trust the One who holds it within His hands.

Today, in this moment, that statement felt like it grounded me in my future and my walk with Jesus. Not only did I choose to undergo the painful biopsy today, but I also felt that my heart had taken in a new breath of understanding. I can trust the Lord. It will not be easy, but nothing…absolutely NOTHING will happen to me that first does not pass through His hands and is the best for me. I’ve given my life to Him and I desire for Him to use me in whatever way He sees best. Even if that “best”, is down a road myself and others do not always understand.

Lord Jesus, thank you for all You have done in my life. Thank you for every difficult and hard thing You have walked me through. I trust You with the building of our family and only desire what You desire for me. Teach me to trust You with the “Why's” that erupts from my longing and settle the sorrow that the waiting has upon my heart. You are such a loving God and it is so deep within my heart to please You.

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