When you pray...
These were the words that I woke to this morning. I pondered them for a moment only tho realize this was the Lord speaking to me and His meaning was a bit direct to the fact, that it's been a while since I've stopped and given Him time...prayed. So, while the house was still quiet with everyone sleeping, I got on my knees and sought the Lord. The moment I opened my heart to Him I realized there was a bucket full of anger awaiting me to be dealt with. Anger towards loved ones who've hurt me, anger towards past friends who've hurt or disappointed me, and then, it surprised me to see that among the list was the Lord Himself. I realized that I was holding frustration, disappointment and even anger towards the Lord in His plan of waiting for our embryos.
It seems that through the years that we've waited, I've gone through so many different phases of emotions. We started with excitement, then we seemed to have a sigh of frustrated desire, then excitement again and disappointment, sorrow, back to frustrations of longing, waiting, buckets of tears, acceptance of His timing, and now...I find hidden anger. It stumped me for a moment that I could be holding anger and yet stay active in my church, sing and play worship, pray, receive from the Word and yet be holding something so hard as anger, for frustrated desires, against the very One I'm worshiping.
but geeze, isn't that what we do so often with those we get offended or hurt by...we act like it's fine and there's nothing wrong. Yet, inside we still have that coldness towards them that lingers. I just really didn't think it would be possible to do that with my Lord and Savior.
So, this morning there was a washing of repentance and I asked the Lord to help me to forgive and love those who've hurt me and to forgive me for holding my heart in anger towards Him.
AAAuuuhhhh sigh... What a heavy load lifted.
I truly want to shine in Jesus and do it from a genuine heart. How else will we reach this hurting world?
Thank you Jesus for waking me this morning and working...Once Again...on my stubborn heart.