I’m having one of those weeks where you just want to pull the covers over your head and ask the Lord to start over. Yesterday I spend hours on the phone trying to locate Richards and my infertility documents that show our test results for my surgeries, exams, and his sperm analysis and urology diagnosis. I was repeatedly told that our records are too old and was destroyed. I guess when you struggle with infertility early in your marriage and then go the road of adoption, only to return again to the hope of a pregnancy, this is to be expected. Apparently, when you are not a patient for over 10 years, your records are destroyed. We’ve been at this waiting business to have a baby for 21 years…So now I guess, it’s a clean slate and we have to re-do all of the test and have no proof of the past. I’m beating myself up for not keeping a file of these documents and being more organized.
Then, for the adoption grant we are applying for, I need a letter from my doctor that states I can have a baby (our infertility is because of my husband’s 0 sperm). I received a phone call from my doctor; she will only write the letter if I pay to have another costly and painful biopsy and sonogram. I have been cleared from these biopsies already and have been told that they are unnecessary by other doctors because the last several sonograms and biopsies have looked so good. I do have the sonograms every six months and the last one looked great…So why should I have to pay for an additional one, and the pain of the biopsy, just to have a letter written?
What if applying for this grant is for nothing, and what if we never hear from a couple regarding embryos. The few we have heard from have not seemed hopeful for any length of time. I just hate the idea of putting myself through this painful experience and paying all of the new doctor visits and costly test and exams without any real assurance that we are even going to get to do an embryo adoption soon. If not, and it’s still going to be more waiting that the Lord has for us, then all of these tests would have to be done again to satisfy everyone with current results. I just wish I had something solid to plant my hope and desires upon that would make this all worth it.
So today, I’m praying for the Lord to show me His will. I have to remind myself that the Lord sometimes shuts a door so that I will turn and follow His will in another direction. I’m also praying that the slim possibility of our infertility clinic used 20 years ago might have some of the lost documents. I called them last week and signed to have my records sent to me. I have not heard anything so am hopeful that they indeed do still have records to send.
Jesus, please show me Your will and straighten my heart if I am to have this biopsy. Please bring us our embryo/’s and finish this journey of waiting and hoping to see the fulfillment of the promises You’ve spoken to our hearts. We love You Lord Jesus and if it’s Your will that we continue to wait and go through these difficulties….Please help us to endure them and not despair…Mold us into useful tools and use our lives, marriage, journey of infertility, adoptions and waiting, all for Your glory.